What We Fallback On

Pressure builds. Stress swells. Life has plenty of challenges to offer. When the pressure is on we can fall into some patterns or habits as a way to cope. All of us have our fallback vices and it is so easy to go there.

This past weekend I had the privilege to teach at church on James 5:9-11 and it identified one of the quickest places we tend to fall when the pressure is on. We tend to turn on those closest to us. At the end of a stressful day, a day where we gave our best to our boss or coworkers, we can come home and give our worst to our spouse and children. When we feel the squeeze of finances falling short, we can become consumed with trying to fix, finagle and fantasize our way out of a budget crisis. I tend to over-react in the money realm. Certainly, there are things we must do on our part to be responsible. When the pressure builds, financial or otherwise, we must learn to respond and not react. We must learn to respond with trust in Christ to lead us through.

At one of these moments, I felt the stress mounting. My intellect was buzzing and my gut was churning. I went to Scripture and struggled to find a passage that helped. I know, you were expecting me to say I opened my Bible and found the perfect verse right off the bat and upon reading it, light from heaven filled the room along with the chorus of angels and everything was warm and fuzzy and I'm all better now.

No. I read several of the Psalms. I read parts of Matthew, John, Proverbs, and nothing seemed to fit or make sense. I went back to James, but my brain could not be quiet. My heartburn would not quit flaming. I finally laid my head down next to my Bible. It was open to James 5. I kept praying for wisdom. Praying for peace. Praying for clarity. I kept praying until I drifted off to sleep. By the way, don't feel bad when that happens. Every now and then, we need to crawl up in our Father's arms for a nap.

My light sleep was abruptly stopped when I heard the page of my Bible turn. I looked up and I was still the only one in the room. Now the ceiling fan was on and the draft probably turned the page. I just find it interesting how it had not even nudged a page before this moment. We must remember God can control or manipulate anything He wishes in any way He wishes. Regardless, the page was turned and there was the end of Hebrews. I read:

"Make sure your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, 'I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you,' so that we confidently say, 'The LORD is my helper, I will not be afraid. What will man do to me?' Remember those who led you, who spoke the word of God to you; and considering the result of their conduct, imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Do not be carried away by varied and strange teachings; for it is good for the heart to be strengthened by grace, not by foods, through which those who were so occupied were not benefited." Hebrews 13:5-9 NASB

My preoccupation with the money needed some perspective. Christ is our Helper and will not forsake us. He has provided everything we have needed and I have no reason to doubt our future needs will not be met. We must do our part to be responsible and shave the budget where we need to. But when this letter was written, there were people participating in rituals and worshiping gods with food among other things. They worshiped idols. But there are so many Christians who have gone before us and endured so much worse circumstances than us and have come out blessed. Not materially blessed necessarily, but rewarded by God in their faith. This great cloud of witnesses spurs us on to endure and trust that Christ is our source of grace. Our hearts will not be strengthened by the pantry, the bottle, the pill or the internet. Our hearts and minds are strengthened by Christ's grace and truth that is unchanging.

On a hard day, we need to fallback on Christ, not our old habits and vices.

Can I Ask You A Question?

On the way home from church tonight, Jacob spoke up, "Dad, can I ask you a question?" When your seven-year-old asks this, it puts you on your toes. Will it be, "How are babies made?" or "Why do some people not stay married?" or "Why did God let me get hurt today?" or "Do you remember that movie where Buggs Bunny and Daffy were in the desert and saw the mirage?" The possibilities are practically endless.

Of course, I have been dealing with a lot of questions lately. We started a Tough Questions small group at church and I have had to analyze a lot of questions over the last few weeks. When people have the freedom to ask anonymously, you tend to get honest questions. Maybe people are worried their question will be taken as irreverent or stupid. But those questions need to be asked and addressed. I believe people want answers to their questions, but I am finding many people just won't commit to finding the answer. Many of the questions I have seen lately have life altering ramifications, yet not many are interested in looking into it, other than asking the question.

When Jacob asks tough questions, I am relieved in some ways that he will not settle for a short version of the answer. He wants to understand it inside and out. That's good...sometimes. Other times it gets annoying when he asks for explanations on every little thing. But I wish others shared his drive to get to the bottom of things. So, anyway. Jacob's tough question was, "Dad, do you remember that movie with Buggs Bunny and Daffy when they..." And he settled for my response of "Yes."

The Stupor

I start Greek class online in two weeks. Jacob starts school in a few days. Jennifer has been shifted to an interim position at work and her schedule is in flux. There feels like so much to do around the house and it feels like it must be done in a hurry, but the reality is it just feels this way. The things we need to do are not needed by tomorrow. I am also looking for work and that is not the easiest thing to find right now. My brain does not seem to be functioning properly and what is normally a simple task suddenly becomes the mental equivalent of an advanced Sudoku game. I actually poured Diet Pepsi into my soup the other night instead of into my glass! I'm just glad I haven't mixed up the anti-fungal cream with the toothpaste!!

I have been painting Macayla's room. I get headaches every time I work in there, but I suspect it is not from paint fumes. Grief creates this stupor. It can stay surreptitiously in the background giving us only random symptoms and frustrations. It can cause multiple psychosomatic pains and never stir sadness once. Other times it seems to stir every emotion but sadness. The end result can feel like there is a hot, suffocating blanket between you and the rest of the world. Grief is difficult on more levels than you ever expect. It pushes you to seek comfort or escape and often in outlets that are not healthy or righteous. We may seek comfort in food, alcohol, drugs, sexual gratification, or a whole host of different options. I even caught myself looking at the International Mission Board website wondering if I could go on a mission trip to India in January 2011. It took me a few minutes to realize I was more interested in an escape than serving God.

Even good things can be turned into an idol. When we replace our Comforter with food, alcohol or anything else, that is idolatry. We are seeking what only God can give through other means. But it means we must surrender to Him, listen to Him through Scripture and seek Him first in our grief. The amazing thing is that He even prays for us when we cannot (Romans 8). There is nothing easy about it. The peace God gives is beyond understanding, but it does not always stop the hurt. It just carries us through the pain.

Nothing Easy About Nothing Special

It is amazing how some of the smallest things can be the toughest. I saw a photo today of Macayla and it was not from any special occasion. It was not from a vacation, birthday or family get-together. It was just a photo of Macayla in her chair on a normal day. It was even from several years ago. It was nothing special, but it was hard on the heart.

This photo that was nothing special suddenly became special and difficult to bear. We have been very busy lately and our emotions cannot always keep up. But they caught me today. How I miss her so. I miss being able to draw that smile out of her, but also how beautiful she was even when she didn't smile at all. I am so glad I got snapshots of both. My photography never could capture the full essence of her expressions, but they at least captured enough to keep the memories close. I know she is healed now, but I still want her back. It is selfish. But Christ has her and He has us too.

So, be sure to take plenty of photos, both with a camera and your memory. Take some snapshots. Some of the best pictures are never posed or planned. The same goes for memories. Just let the shutter fly. It's hard to remember sometimes. After a loss, there is nothing easy about those "nothing special" memories. But I never want to forget!