Honest Lyrics

This morning, I heard several praise and worship songs on the radio. Lyrics like, "All I do, I do for You, Jesus. All I go through, I do for You, Jesus." Or, "Every step I take, I take in You." Every time I hear a song or hymn with these types of lyrics, I struggle to relate. When I think about it (and be brutally honest with myself) I realize that many "steps I take" are not taken in Christ, but for myself. It would be impossible for me to claim that "all" I do is for Christ. It is lyrics like this that are frustrating because it's hard to take them as representing reality. They may represent a feeling and desire to live in such a way, free of selfishness and full of devotion, but I find that I so easily function in selfishness and my devotion so easily turns to my own agenda. 

If I were to write these lyrics over, I would insert, "Lord, help me to..." As a father, husband, in-law, etc. I would have to write lyrics that would in fact say, "Lord, help me to listen even when I don't feel like it." "Lord, give me love so I can be patient and kind." "Lord, help me follow your steps so my children will follow mine to You." Most of all, my song would always have to include, "Lord, forgive me for doing it all for me and not for You." So many songs have been written over the past couple of centuries that reflect desires to be good disciples. But we also need those songs that remind us how we fall short of that desire and can only rely on the "amazing grace" that would save "a wretch" like me. The Lord is amazing and I pray that I will rely on Him more to make my life into a song that honors Him above all. I need His song in my life, because it is evident that I am no song writer.

6 Weeks

Macayla made it 6 weeks without seizures, but they returned on Friday last week. We had reduced her Clonapin to see if she could be more alert and interactive. She became alert, but she had a seizure in the van Friday afternoon. We went back up on her Clonapin and she has had no seizures since Saturday morning. The interesting part was that Macayla started having some rigid tremors in her arms for three days in a row and it was on the third day she started the seizure activity. Her arms had not had those movements for six weeks. It makes us wonder what is happening in her noggin when all this starts. In spite of going back up on her clonapin, she has stayed fairly alert. She has been laughing a lot at her brother. She has been playing a game where she throws her head forward and it falls over to the side of her wheelchair. She thinks it is funny even though it sounds and looks like it would hurt. We tell her to put her head back and she laughs at us. It has become a game and we have had to pad the side of her chair. She is growing like crazy and is 66+ lbs. She seems to be having trouble with her skin. She has rubbed one of her knees and one of her elbows raw in the bed. Unfortunately, they are not healing as quickly as she used to. Hopefully, we can control that more soon. We are so blessed by her and thank God for her each day. 

Grace

I recently heard the comedian Chonda Pierce say, "Depression is the gift that keeps on giving." I must agree. It is one of those things that never quite goes away. It may hide for a while, but then it sneaks back in and before you recognize it, the exhaustion, the desire to be alone all the time, the unexplainable aches and pains of the body all come back. It is easy to turn to a gift like food to cope. Certainly chocolate can make it better! But food is a gift from God that was not designed to be an antidepressant on a plate. It is a perversion of such gifts to turn them into coping mechanisms. Instead, God gave us a gift that was specifically designed to help us cope in this fallen world. Grace. Grace is God's gift that sustains us in the midst of suffering and circumstances beyond our control. It is also the gift that frees us from our own sin and habits that draw us away from Him. Depression is an ongoing struggle and it easily removes our reason and reliance on Grace. I thank God for great tools like doctors and appropriate antidepressants. I thank God for great tools like counseling. Most of all, I thank God for His Grace that is sufficient beyond all measure to guide us through and restore us in the midst of a fallen world.