Asking questions about God requires little. Finding the answers requires effort. Living with those answers requires grace.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Reflections in Cardboard

Macayla is continuing to do well with school and she does more for her teachers than she will for us at home. She eats foods for them she won't for us. She interacts in ways there that she won't at home. She is being like most kids, she puts on a show for others but not for us. That is comforting. She's a five year old after all!
Macayla's condition sunk in the other day, as it sometimes does. These are times when the reality of her condition and prognosis comes to the surface fresh and full of pain. I started thinking about how Macayla would go to heaven before we will (barring any unexpected departure on our part!) But the thought occurred to me, "Has Macayla seen enough of Jesus reflected in me to recognize Him when she sees Him?" I know that Scripture says that one day every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. So, everyone will "know" Him when they see Him. But as one preacher said, some of those knees will be scraped as they are left no choice but to finally admit that Jesus is Lord. But at the heart of my question was that when Macayla gets to heaven will she see Jesus and say, "Oh, hi Lord, it's you. I saw your reflection in my family. How great it is to see you fully now."
But then I thought about the fact that all of us are "terminal." We will all die at some point regardless if it is at 12 or 92. Will my son recognize Jesus when he sees him because of what he saw in me? Will my wife? Will anyone who meets me? I'm ashamed to say that I'm a poor mirror. I feel about as reflective as cardboard most days. But it is the Refiner's fire that gets the impurities out of the precious metals so that they reflect the Refiner's image more clearly. I hope that I will surrender to that purifying work. I pray Jesus' reflection will shine a little more each day.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

EEG Update

Macayla's EEG results are in and she shows no real changes in her seizures. The doctor said she had some myoclonis, but not enough to disrupt her sleep. She still has a large number of seizures each day. So, nothing came of it that would shed any definitive light on Macayla's twitches other than they appear to be non-epileptic. But, she is a moving target anyway and changes daily. Hopefully, we can keep her eating as well as she has been for as long as possible and we also hope she will have more nights of sleep than nights of restlessness. We tend to have one or two nights each week that keep us up till 3 a.m. because she can't seem to fall asleep (even with a sleep med and melatonin on board). So, along for the ride we go.

Side Effects Include...

I, like many others, laugh at the commercials for prescription drugs that promise to help cure or control so many problems we Americans have. Got toe fungus? Take this pill once a day and the little fungus gremlins will be driven out. Of course you have to be on guard for the side effects that might make you hair fall out and your colon collapse, but hey your toes will look great! The anti-depressants marketed on the tube will make you feel better but with all of the diarrhea, vomiting, sexual side effects, and headaches you will probably feel so lousy that you'll get depressed again. We certainly like to take a pill for every thing that ills us. Macayla certainly takes plenty. We take meds for seizures and other meds to combat the side effects of the seizure meds.
I think that as Americans, we are out of touch with pain. (I highly recommend Phillip Yancey's Where is God When it Hurts on this subject.) We want a quick fix for our problems. But a century ago, quick fixes for discomfort were largely unknown. They didn't have medicine cabinets full of pills to treat every symptom they may face in a given day. People were more in tune with trials and suffering. I think of our situation and think of how bad it is to have a dying child, but our circumstances certainly could be worse and there are people who experience worse. This is not to minimize what is happening to our daughter, but it reminds us that there is plenty to be thankful for. How great it is, for instance, that we have choices over what to eat at each meal, whereas some aren't sure if they will have a meal today.
Someone once wrote a letter to some Jews who had converted to Christianity in order to encourage them. They needed encouragement because their conversion had brought on persecution from the society they had left behind. This writer referred these Jews to their own history and the faithful people of God that had come before them. Near the beginning of the letter (Hebrews), the writer encourages them to know their own Scripture and the Gospel message of Christianity more clearly so that they will not drift away from it. Later, the writer refers to these historic figures in Jewish history: judges, prophets, warriors, etc. He lists some mighty things they did such as conquer kingdoms, shut the mouths of lions, became mighty in war, quenched the power of fire, escaped the sword, and put foreign armies to flight. They even raised the dead back to life. And they did it all through faith. That is exciting. This is the kind of Scripture that TV evangelists love to quote today. It reinforces the kind of power-and-wealth Christianity they adhere to. They say that God just wants to bless us and we simply recite positive mantras and smile our way to health and wealth. But the writer of Hebrews goes on to say that these same prophets of old also experience other things through faith. They were tortured, scourged, imprisoned, stoned, SAWED IN TWO, tempted, put to death by the sword (not escaping it), they were destitute, ill-treated, and lived in holes in the ground. And they did it all through faith! I wonder what positive things I could think of to say while I'm being sawed in two? I don't think I could smile much in the midst of such an event. In all these events, the writer declares that these prophets of old were approved in their faith but that they did not receive what was promised. What was promised was the redemption Christ would accomplish at the cross and the resurrection. These prophets of old did not get to witness this. But it seems that in a fallen world where suffering exists, God works in the triumphs and suffering to perfect our faith. Just as God created the world through a step-by-step process, God re-creates us in a step-by-step process. He uses triumphs to change us, but in a fallen world suffering is bound to come. Not all of the promises of Scripture are necessarily obtained completely during our lifetime. Pain, suffering and sin will still be experienced. Thank our Creator that He doesn't waste that pain. He uses it to transform us as well. But this doesn't mean that we will be forever confined to the pendulum swinging back and forth between suffering and triumph. This ancient writer calls us to fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, so that we can endure because of what He did on the cross. He provided the ultimate triumph over sin, death, and suffering there. That is the place we go to every day of this process of re-creation to deal with both the pain and the triumphs. We can endure because we know that we partly experience the promises of the cross and resurrection now and that we will fully obtain and experience those promises later, in heaven. I cannot smile away Macayla's suffering. I can't say enough positive mantras to stop her seizures. But I can fix my eyes on Christ to see His ultimate triumph. I can cling to the hope that is only found through a blood-soaked tree and an empty tomb.
The prescription we need to take is Stauros (from the Greek word for cross). Taking up our Stauros daily will help create perspective, remove sin, produce love and transform our character. WARNING: Side effects may include trials, denial of self, and dying to old ways to rise to new life. Some people (including family) may think you are weird. Talk to the Great Physician to learn if Stauros is right for you.