We go into marriage with expectations of excessive romance and our culture pumps these impossible images into our brains about what it should look like. Hollywood is no friend to us here. As Gary mentions in the study materials for his book, when marriages go south, the people quickly question if they married the wrong one, but they never question if their view of marriage is wrong. I believe our culture has reduced our idea of marriage down to a saccharine glob of infatuation and we have not learned what mature love looks like. In our culture, we cringe at the idea of arranged marriages. Our first objection is, "What if they don't love each other?!" But for those of us who have been married long enough, we know that at some point you must "arrange" your marriage so to speak. You must make a decision to stay with this person, even if the ooey-gooey feelings have faded. Mature love is found when we must choose it, especially when we can't feel it and still choose it.
What do you picture when you hear the word "holy?" Do you picture an ascetic monk? Do you picture someone like John the Baptist? Do you picture a priest? Cathedral? Do you think rules, rules, rules? Rules by themselves do not make us holy, but there are ten rules that point us toward holiness. The Ten Commandments were never a checklist. Certainly we should follow them, but not without seeing what these commandments point to. The first four of the big Ten are about us maintaining a right relationship with God and the other six are about a right relationship with others. This is how God chose to define holiness in the Old Testament and reiterated this in the New as well. Marriage will reveal our weaknesses in relationships. It will reveal our selfishness. It will reveal our faults and sinfulness. It will show that the "greatest commandment" we follow is "I love myself with all my heart, mind, soul and strength!" and "my neighbor a little less than myself."
When we find rifts in families, churches or denominations, maybe we should insert them into the blank above. "What if God designed my family to make me holy more than to make me happy?" "What if God designed my congregation to make me holy more than to make me happy?" It's not that God has a problem with us being happy, it's just that He knows there's something even better than happiness.
In 1 Peter 1:13-16, we read a sort of thesis statement of this letter:
Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy."Interestingly, Peter tells us to think, not feel, our way through and goes on to write about how holiness plays out, demonstrated in a right relationship with God and a right relationship with others. He even deals with our reaction and response to suffering and disagreements. He even fleshes out that holiness is demonstrated in honorable conduct toward those who persecute us and in subjection to government! (2:11-20).
When our marriage goes south, we question if we married the right one. When our church has infighting, we question if we joined the right one. When our denomination fights and splinters, we wonder if we are in the right one. But we never question if our expectations and views of marriage, church, denominations, job, family, etc. are wrong! Maybe we are expecting fulfillment from these institutions that we can only find in Christ. Just as Gary says about marriage, maybe we are expecting these institutions to give us something they were never designed to give. We want identity from our denomination. We want religious fulfillment from our congregation. We want perfect love and acceptance from our family. But these institutions cannot fulfill these desires to the extent and perfection Christ can. He fulfills our identity, religion, love and acceptance. Thus, Peter wrote:
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For "whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil. (1 Peter 3:8-12 ESV)Maybe those struggles in our marriage, church, denomination, job etc. were designed to make us holy. Maybe those struggles are opportunities to BE holy! Maybe on the other side of that opportunity lies something greater than happiness; maybe there is a joy set before us!
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