My Way, Your Way, HIS Way

The divorce rate among special-needs families is higher than other families. Unfortunately, there are differing stats out there about how much higher. Some put it as high as 80% while others put it in the 55% range (compared to about 50% of "normal" families). As Americans we love numbers and always want to know the numbers. As one economics professor told me in college, statistics expose a lot, but not what you really want to know.

Marriage is hard work and the return on that work is great! It is just hard to stay motivated. It's hard to keep at it. Jennifer and I struggled with the daily care and decisions for Macayla. That is sure. But we also struggle with decisions over money, discipline of children, priorities around the house, etc. Now that Macayla has gone home, we struggle with a new stage of grief. It's easy to find myself wanting Jennifer to grieve the way I do. But this is where Jennifer and I are very different. What she finds comfort in can cause me pain. What comforts me is of no help to her. We have struggled over decisions since the funeral because of our different approach to grief. We can find ourselves arguing over what to do with Macayla's things or room. The real problem is that we approach these decisions from a different starting point in our grief.

The fact is, marriage with a special-needs situation is harder than it would be without it. Caring for a person on a daily basis in your home takes time and often the first place we take time away from is our marriage. Those daily decisions can highlight a couples differences. Marriage is also difficult in the face of losing a child. Of course, there are plenty of circumstances that can come along and strain the energy and time we have to put into our marriage. So, it really comes down to the condition of the marriage aside from these situations. How is the marriage in and of itself? That can be a difficult question to answer. It is hard to view our marriage apart from our circumstances. But if our marriage is defined by our circumstances, then we are headed for trouble.

I forget who I first heard it from, but I've heard it many times since. Basically, the marriage must be based on its own relationship. It cannot be based on the kids, social status, circumstances or money. That's what lies behind the vows, "for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health..." Our most cliche vows capture the idea that regardless of circumstances, the relationship is first. It's easy to want Jennifer to do things my way and even grieve my way. It's easy for her to want me to grieve her way. But we are praying right now we will do things God's way. It's hard, very hard at times. We are thankful for all of the prayers people have offered up over the years for the solidarity of our marriage and the ones they offer now. I keep telling Jennifer those prayers would be answered if she would just do everything my way! I think she feels the prayers ARE being answered by her NOT doing everything my way. What's up with that?

All kidding aside, special-needs families certainly face a daily struggle that is demanding on a marriage, more than most circumstances. But what we are stubbornly learning, is that our marriage has to have a definition found in itself and not in our circumstances. Americans always look at the numbers, divorce rates and statistics, but there are plenty of marriages that have been dead for a long time even though they may never get a divorce. We cannot gauge our marriages by stats and circumstances. We pray with counseling, love and God's grace, we will continue to build our marriage on more than numbers and situations.