The Stupor

I start Greek class online in two weeks. Jacob starts school in a few days. Jennifer has been shifted to an interim position at work and her schedule is in flux. There feels like so much to do around the house and it feels like it must be done in a hurry, but the reality is it just feels this way. The things we need to do are not needed by tomorrow. I am also looking for work and that is not the easiest thing to find right now. My brain does not seem to be functioning properly and what is normally a simple task suddenly becomes the mental equivalent of an advanced Sudoku game. I actually poured Diet Pepsi into my soup the other night instead of into my glass! I'm just glad I haven't mixed up the anti-fungal cream with the toothpaste!!

I have been painting Macayla's room. I get headaches every time I work in there, but I suspect it is not from paint fumes. Grief creates this stupor. It can stay surreptitiously in the background giving us only random symptoms and frustrations. It can cause multiple psychosomatic pains and never stir sadness once. Other times it seems to stir every emotion but sadness. The end result can feel like there is a hot, suffocating blanket between you and the rest of the world. Grief is difficult on more levels than you ever expect. It pushes you to seek comfort or escape and often in outlets that are not healthy or righteous. We may seek comfort in food, alcohol, drugs, sexual gratification, or a whole host of different options. I even caught myself looking at the International Mission Board website wondering if I could go on a mission trip to India in January 2011. It took me a few minutes to realize I was more interested in an escape than serving God.

Even good things can be turned into an idol. When we replace our Comforter with food, alcohol or anything else, that is idolatry. We are seeking what only God can give through other means. But it means we must surrender to Him, listen to Him through Scripture and seek Him first in our grief. The amazing thing is that He even prays for us when we cannot (Romans 8). There is nothing easy about it. The peace God gives is beyond understanding, but it does not always stop the hurt. It just carries us through the pain.