The Continuous Love of God in Pain

You can have a mixture of comfort and fear if you read the eleventh chapter of John's Gospel. It is the story where Mary and Martha's brother, Lazarus, became ill. They sent word to Jesus who was at a distance. This story can stir up fear because upon hearing the news, Jesus did not come to Lazarus. He did not heal him. He purposefully waited for two days after receiving the news before taking action. As a result, Lazarus died from his illness. We don't like a God who would do that. We want a God who will jump into action and save the day!

Upon hearing the report of Lazarus' illness, Jesus responded, "This sickness is not to end in death, but for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it." Yet, as we read on, Lazarus died. Now, for those familiar with the story, we know that Jesus showed up after Lazarus had been buried and Jesus raised him from the dead. That's amazing, of course, but experience tells us that Jesus does not perform this miracle very often. It is even a rare occurrence in the Bible. So, this makes us uneasy about God. He is not a tame God. We cannot compel Him to do things our way and in our time of need, that makes it hard to know from where our comfort will come. Jesus said this illness would be for the glory of God and for His glory. But if we are honest, we just want our loved one healed. We are less interested in honoring God. We just want Jesus to save the day...right now...in our way.

But John includes something interesting in the original language. Right after Jesus declares this will result in God's glory, John wrote, "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when He heard that he [Lazarus] was sick, He then stayed two days longer in that place where He was." (John 11:5-6 NASB) John did not have to include the line, "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus." He could have just reported that Jesus remained where he was for two days. But there is something important in this line and it does not come through in our English translation.

In English, we are interested in when the action of a verb takes place; past, present or future. As in "I loved" or "I love" or "I will love." But the Greeks were more interested in the kind of action. Their verbs tell us if the action was ongoing and this was important to them. It needs to be important for us in this verse. When John wrote, "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus," he could have used a form of the verb that would translate just "loved." But John used a tense in Greek that is reserved for continuous action. The form of the word love should really be translated, "Now Jesus was loving Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when He heard that he was sick, He then stayed two days longer in the place where He was."

This small difference gives us a better feel for the emphasis John is giving. Jesus was loving Martha, Mary and Lazarus in the midst of His seeming nonresponse. Jesus knew the full outcome of the situation. He knows it for ours as well. He even knows it for the people He does not raise from the tomb like Lazarus. He knows it for those He heals or does not heal. He knows the full outcome for those left behind as well. When pain and loss come, we often look to Christ as Mary and Martha did and say, "Lord, if You had been here...if you had just stepped in and intervened, then this would not have happened." Certainly, He knows this. But He knows better than any of us where the true miracle lies in our situation. He could simply fix it and sometimes He does. But maybe the greater miracle is us walking through our situation in a way that glorifies Him and leads others to Him. Maybe the greatest miracle is the change our situation will bring to our lives and the lives of others. Jesus was loving Martha, Mary and Lazarus through His delay. Is He not doing the same for His other disciples? His love is continuous and His response to His disciples' struggles, whatever that response is, will always be in that love.

Thanks to Him and to You

I honestly am not sure what the direction of this blog should be now. It's been almost 5 months since our little girl was here. I miss her so much. This blog has been helpful to me and, as some have indicated, to others as well.

Macayla's story has shaped it and given an opportunity to share our experience, some information, and most of all how Christ has been at work in our lives through this. Now that she is healed, the story has turned in a new direction. Macayla - it is amazing how distant her name can feel sometimes - Macayla has taken a leap into the best story of all. Meanwhile, the rest of us look for what is next. We are not sure what lies ahead or how to even feel about going there without her. It just hurts.

The last thing I want this blog to turn into is a chronicle of grief. It is just hard to write about Macayla without acknowledging the pain. This blog has followed our journey, and the journey has come to where we knew it would, though we pleaded and prayed for something different. Christ is still at work in our lives, of course. He has provided comfort in amazing ways and He has illuminated our hearts and minds to His truth in the midst of this. We wonder if we could have learned this truth another way. I think we could. I wish we had, but this is the way it happened. "What if..." and "If only..." are the enemy here.

I will pray about the future of this blog and how or if it should continue. We cannot express adequately how much we appreciate all of you who have prayed, supported and loved on us for the last five years. I pray any and all who read this realize how awesome Christ is and how He has used you to bring comfort to us. I know that Macayla is whole again. I praise Him for that. I praise Him for working through so many people like you to take care of us. I hope you know that Macayla was born for the glory of God and that His works might be displayed in her life. I hope we can all remember we were born for the same purpose!

The All-empty gOD of Pragmatism

I watch the news and see a barometer of our culture. News outlets tailor their content to attract viewers and thus advertising dollars. So, the stories they choose to cover and the way they cover them is aimed more for their viewers' entertainment than knowledge. It reflects the whims and interest of the culture at large. I heard Tom Brokaw on the Today Show give his "two cents" on the "top" stories. He is a staunch pragmatist. He was asked what he thought about Facebook's CEO giving $100 million dollars to a failing school system in New Jersey. Was it to sway public opinion in the face of criticisms and an unflattering movie about the social network? Tom's answer was that "regardless of the motives, he [Facebook's CEO] gets three cheers for putting much needed money into education."

Tom's answer reflects how many of us think and live. We often worship at the alter of pragmatism in America. We often go for the quick answer if it appears to be "what works." But case in point, why was this NJ school district failing? Is throwing money at it really the best thing to do? Is it possible this $100 million will simply fund more failure? I don't know all of the details of this situation, but our illustrious pundits in the news do not seem to be interested in the details either. Just throw money at it! Surely $100 million can fix it! This fits perfectly with our worship of the all-empty gOD of pragmatism!

Now, before you think I have jumped onto a political soapbox and violated the whole direction of this blog and website, hear me out. I only brought this up because this morning's news reminded me of how easy it is to be so pragmatic that I miss the truth. I can miss that my son's motivations count more than his performance. My motivations count more than my performance. If we let pragmatism govern the way we think and act with family, church and society, then we will be empty. When it all becomes about results, then our value is based purely on performance. Then how do we value those who cannot perform due to a disability? How do we value those who are sick? If we are less able to perform, then we are less valuable to the gOD of pragmatism and his worshipers.

But the true God values us because we were made in His image, not because of our performance. In fact, since sin has entered the world, He point blank said that we cannot earn our way to being good. We can never perform good enough to meet the true standard of good, namely being holy. We all sin. Sin is anything we think, say or do that violates God's word or breaks His heart. That's why He became flesh in Jesus Christ and died for us on the cross. He said that we could never be good enough, but God the Son is. When we trust Him as Lord and Savior, then we have His good placed on us and He gives us the grace and power to overcome our sin as we continue to follow Him. The true GOD destroys the gOD of pragmatism! We start with faith in the true God. Then our works will flow from that faith. For sure, faith without works is dead, but works without faith are empty. I pray I can stay focused on the true God and serve Him, not the shallow gOD of pragmatism. I pray I can show my son that my love for him is not based on performance, but because he is my son, made in the image of God. Pass, fail, or excel, he is valuable.

A Couple of New & Old Items

I've heard from several folks that they stay tuned into the blog, but may not check out the website as often. On Macayla's page I added a video I found that is from 2006 when we went to Disney. I also updated Jacob's page.

Soon, I'll add an edited version of some video clips I found from 2007. It's amazing to see videos and pictures that have been in storage for so long.

Pain makes me a Pain!

Our experiences over the past five years taught us how much we appreciate doctors who have a "big picture" perspective in their approach. Doctors who weigh familial, spiritual, and psychological factors into treatment decisions have been the better doctors for us and Macayla. Sometimes, the treatment approach and interventions have to be weighed against quality of life for not only the patient, but for the whole family. If the treatment tears down the family, this can adversely affect the patient. The doctor who knows this will prepare or at least inform the patient of the broader impact some treatments can have.

We often miss the bigger picture of what it means to be "well." I often whine and complain over headaches or soreness. Pain puts me in a bad mood. Pain makes me a pain to others. When I hurt, I tend to hurt those closest to me with short, impatient reactions. It is shameful. I think it stems from the false idea that being "well" means being comfortable and pain-free. I have grown up assuming pain and illness are the exceptions and not the norm. I think I have held a misguided perspective for too long. The fact is, we are all due for pain, illness, discomfort and even death on this planet. That is the norm. That is part of life. It sounds depressing, but there is no guarantee of happiness, riches, health or abundance on this planet. Certainly some of us are blessed with happiness and abundance, and that is where my problem lay. I have happiness, riches, health and abundance compared to a majority of the humans on this planet and I have taken it for granted. Many people on this planet face pain, death and disease on a daily, if not hourly, basis.

My biggest challenge after church Sunday was where to get lunch. I was going to pay someone to cook for me. I am certainly a wealthy person. I thank God for the blessings He has given us, but I am ashamed of how I take them for granted and hoard them to myself. I am ashamed that I complain and grumble because the line at the restaurant is longer than I would like. I am ashamed that I have let nagging headaches or a leg cramp turn me into a jerk. It is not physical symptoms that threaten my wellness. No, they reveal where the true sickness is: my heart and mind. Paul wrote, "Love is patient; love is kind," in 1 Corinthians 13. When I am impatient or unkind, it is due to a lack of love. It reveals the selfishness that disrupts relationships.

God has blessed me and my family so much, but I must remember those blessings are meant for His kingdom, not my own. Wellness is measured by more than blood pressure or cholesterol. It is measured by our relationship with Christ and others. If we are truly His, then we must put our physical pain in perspective, the perspective of the cross. Our worst day cannot compare with those six hours of the cross. He suffered infinitely more and that gives me strength to bare my pain and quit whining. Our best day cannot compare to the empty tomb. For no amount of fun or happiness here compares with the pure joy of being with Christ from now to eternity. It helps me not get swallowed in my pleasure. It helps me remember that my pain and pleasure are to be surrendered to His kingdom, not my own. That is wellness.

What We Fallback On

Pressure builds. Stress swells. Life has plenty of challenges to offer. When the pressure is on we can fall into some patterns or habits as a way to cope. All of us have our fallback vices and it is so easy to go there.

This past weekend I had the privilege to teach at church on James 5:9-11 and it identified one of the quickest places we tend to fall when the pressure is on. We tend to turn on those closest to us. At the end of a stressful day, a day where we gave our best to our boss or coworkers, we can come home and give our worst to our spouse and children. When we feel the squeeze of finances falling short, we can become consumed with trying to fix, finagle and fantasize our way out of a budget crisis. I tend to over-react in the money realm. Certainly, there are things we must do on our part to be responsible. When the pressure builds, financial or otherwise, we must learn to respond and not react. We must learn to respond with trust in Christ to lead us through.

At one of these moments, I felt the stress mounting. My intellect was buzzing and my gut was churning. I went to Scripture and struggled to find a passage that helped. I know, you were expecting me to say I opened my Bible and found the perfect verse right off the bat and upon reading it, light from heaven filled the room along with the chorus of angels and everything was warm and fuzzy and I'm all better now.

No. I read several of the Psalms. I read parts of Matthew, John, Proverbs, and nothing seemed to fit or make sense. I went back to James, but my brain could not be quiet. My heartburn would not quit flaming. I finally laid my head down next to my Bible. It was open to James 5. I kept praying for wisdom. Praying for peace. Praying for clarity. I kept praying until I drifted off to sleep. By the way, don't feel bad when that happens. Every now and then, we need to crawl up in our Father's arms for a nap.

My light sleep was abruptly stopped when I heard the page of my Bible turn. I looked up and I was still the only one in the room. Now the ceiling fan was on and the draft probably turned the page. I just find it interesting how it had not even nudged a page before this moment. We must remember God can control or manipulate anything He wishes in any way He wishes. Regardless, the page was turned and there was the end of Hebrews. I read:

"Make sure your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, 'I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you,' so that we confidently say, 'The LORD is my helper, I will not be afraid. What will man do to me?' Remember those who led you, who spoke the word of God to you; and considering the result of their conduct, imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Do not be carried away by varied and strange teachings; for it is good for the heart to be strengthened by grace, not by foods, through which those who were so occupied were not benefited." Hebrews 13:5-9 NASB

My preoccupation with the money needed some perspective. Christ is our Helper and will not forsake us. He has provided everything we have needed and I have no reason to doubt our future needs will not be met. We must do our part to be responsible and shave the budget where we need to. But when this letter was written, there were people participating in rituals and worshiping gods with food among other things. They worshiped idols. But there are so many Christians who have gone before us and endured so much worse circumstances than us and have come out blessed. Not materially blessed necessarily, but rewarded by God in their faith. This great cloud of witnesses spurs us on to endure and trust that Christ is our source of grace. Our hearts will not be strengthened by the pantry, the bottle, the pill or the internet. Our hearts and minds are strengthened by Christ's grace and truth that is unchanging.

On a hard day, we need to fallback on Christ, not our old habits and vices.

Can I Ask You A Question?

On the way home from church tonight, Jacob spoke up, "Dad, can I ask you a question?" When your seven-year-old asks this, it puts you on your toes. Will it be, "How are babies made?" or "Why do some people not stay married?" or "Why did God let me get hurt today?" or "Do you remember that movie where Buggs Bunny and Daffy were in the desert and saw the mirage?" The possibilities are practically endless.

Of course, I have been dealing with a lot of questions lately. We started a Tough Questions small group at church and I have had to analyze a lot of questions over the last few weeks. When people have the freedom to ask anonymously, you tend to get honest questions. Maybe people are worried their question will be taken as irreverent or stupid. But those questions need to be asked and addressed. I believe people want answers to their questions, but I am finding many people just won't commit to finding the answer. Many of the questions I have seen lately have life altering ramifications, yet not many are interested in looking into it, other than asking the question.

When Jacob asks tough questions, I am relieved in some ways that he will not settle for a short version of the answer. He wants to understand it inside and out. That's good...sometimes. Other times it gets annoying when he asks for explanations on every little thing. But I wish others shared his drive to get to the bottom of things. So, anyway. Jacob's tough question was, "Dad, do you remember that movie with Buggs Bunny and Daffy when they..." And he settled for my response of "Yes."

The Stupor

I start Greek class online in two weeks. Jacob starts school in a few days. Jennifer has been shifted to an interim position at work and her schedule is in flux. There feels like so much to do around the house and it feels like it must be done in a hurry, but the reality is it just feels this way. The things we need to do are not needed by tomorrow. I am also looking for work and that is not the easiest thing to find right now. My brain does not seem to be functioning properly and what is normally a simple task suddenly becomes the mental equivalent of an advanced Sudoku game. I actually poured Diet Pepsi into my soup the other night instead of into my glass! I'm just glad I haven't mixed up the anti-fungal cream with the toothpaste!!

I have been painting Macayla's room. I get headaches every time I work in there, but I suspect it is not from paint fumes. Grief creates this stupor. It can stay surreptitiously in the background giving us only random symptoms and frustrations. It can cause multiple psychosomatic pains and never stir sadness once. Other times it seems to stir every emotion but sadness. The end result can feel like there is a hot, suffocating blanket between you and the rest of the world. Grief is difficult on more levels than you ever expect. It pushes you to seek comfort or escape and often in outlets that are not healthy or righteous. We may seek comfort in food, alcohol, drugs, sexual gratification, or a whole host of different options. I even caught myself looking at the International Mission Board website wondering if I could go on a mission trip to India in January 2011. It took me a few minutes to realize I was more interested in an escape than serving God.

Even good things can be turned into an idol. When we replace our Comforter with food, alcohol or anything else, that is idolatry. We are seeking what only God can give through other means. But it means we must surrender to Him, listen to Him through Scripture and seek Him first in our grief. The amazing thing is that He even prays for us when we cannot (Romans 8). There is nothing easy about it. The peace God gives is beyond understanding, but it does not always stop the hurt. It just carries us through the pain.

Nothing Easy About Nothing Special

It is amazing how some of the smallest things can be the toughest. I saw a photo today of Macayla and it was not from any special occasion. It was not from a vacation, birthday or family get-together. It was just a photo of Macayla in her chair on a normal day. It was even from several years ago. It was nothing special, but it was hard on the heart.

This photo that was nothing special suddenly became special and difficult to bear. We have been very busy lately and our emotions cannot always keep up. But they caught me today. How I miss her so. I miss being able to draw that smile out of her, but also how beautiful she was even when she didn't smile at all. I am so glad I got snapshots of both. My photography never could capture the full essence of her expressions, but they at least captured enough to keep the memories close. I know she is healed now, but I still want her back. It is selfish. But Christ has her and He has us too.

So, be sure to take plenty of photos, both with a camera and your memory. Take some snapshots. Some of the best pictures are never posed or planned. The same goes for memories. Just let the shutter fly. It's hard to remember sometimes. After a loss, there is nothing easy about those "nothing special" memories. But I never want to forget!

New Look

Check out the website's new look. There is a bit more tweaking to do, but it's up and running.